Too weak to speak

Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you felt like all the world’s problem was on your shoulders? It was like you’re too weak to speak. That the moment you try to say something or start to think of something every part of you starts to hurt and your tears just start to flow. It’s something that you can’t control.

I was walking home. I was weak and sleepless. I wanted to go home as fast as I can, because I can’t control the tears that were trying to fall from my eyes the moment I left the building. I don’t know why I was feeling that way. All I know is that I wanted to cry. Shouting at the top of my lungs would help if I just have enough courage to do it, unfortunately I don’t have it. I never have it. One block away from home, and the feelings started to sink in deeper.

I was heading home but somehow my feet were leading me the other way.

And I found myself inside the church.

The morning mass was about to end, so I decided to stay to finish it. I was sitting there. I was looking at the few people that were there, mostly old people. I can hear the priest doing his sermon but I can only catch some of the words that he was saying. It seems like it goes inside my ear and out on the other. I was not myself. But two things’ I know – I’m angry and it hurts.

I stayed there for about thirty to forty-five minutes. I was trying to say something to Him, but I can’t. I started to say some silent words and stop. I started to pray and stop. Then it happened.

Tears were flowing now from my eyes. I bowed my head so the others won’t see that I was actually crying. It was like I was praying but I was not. I used my jacket to dry the tears on my eyes. I was like that for the next five minutes.

Somehow I felt that my burden was lessening somehow. But I can still feel it inside and it still hurts.

The moment I reached our house my sister asked me if I cried because my eyes are a light bit reddish. I lied and said that I was just really sleepy. Then I went to sleep hoping that it would all be gone when I wake up again.

I can’t really actually explain how I was feeling that day. You know it? Like you can’t really find the words to define what you were feeling and it’s hard to put things together? And I don’t know if this post would give justice to it. But somehow I just need to let it out so that it won’t hurt that much.